"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
