i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize