Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
