rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
