I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
