Your mouth is God's brothel.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
