a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
