you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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