I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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