I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
