come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
