You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
