I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
