Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
