please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
