Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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