Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
