you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
it's like heaven, but drunker
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
