onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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