I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Holy sore nipples Batman
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
