Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
