How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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