Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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