I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
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So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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