pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
