and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
