My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
