I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
