hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
