Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
