I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
