WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
