His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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