It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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