smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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