I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
