I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
