Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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