Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
