The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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