wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
