Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
