My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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