A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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