TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
