I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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