I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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