Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I party with great urgency now.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
