lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
