I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
