my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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