i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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