why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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