Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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