your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
