i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
