so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Even my vagina gasped.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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