I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
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