I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
